Left Hand Suzuki Method
by Orgainoid
Summary: As part of the Witness Protection Program, Sasuke has been dragged halfway across the country and forced to masquerade as a girl. And then 'she' falls for the school's most popular student, soccer captain Uzumaki Naruto. What's a girl to do? AU NaruSasu
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Rambling: **Why am I writing this when I _should_ be working? The answer is thusly: There are not enough crossdressing!Sasuke fics. No, there are not. Plus, I am so sick of girly, wimpy portrayals of Naruto. Time to make someone else girly, damnit!

Just out of curiosity, how many people know where the title comes from?

**Warnings: **Bad language, homosexual relationships, occasional OOCness...and...ROLE REVERSAL! –rubs hands together and cackles evilly—Also, I apologize in advance, describing clothes is my soft spot...—sheepish laugh— oi vey..

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, but Kyuubi lives in my closet, and is apparently incapable of feeding himself. Nine tails and he can't even make a fucking sandwich. –shakefist— you're USELESS, Kyuubi!

--------------------------------

It was a beautiful spring morning in Konoha. The sun shone from the cloudless blue bowl of the sky, sending dazzling light over the bright green of new leaves and pale pinks and whites of the flowering trees. A brisk breeze kept the day from getting too warm, and scattered the sweet scents of blooming flowers across the town. People drove to work with their windows down, and kids took their time walking to school, talking to their friends and conglomerating in little groups on street corners.

Yes, it was a nice, sunny, absolutely perfect day. Except for in one small, blue house with white trim, where a small storm cloud was hovering over the dark head of one severely annoyed Uchiha Sasuke. The slim teen was standing in his room, which he'd just moved into yesterday, as evidenced by the boxes still stacked in the corners, glowering at his reflection.

He growled in annoyance and buttoned the high collared, olive green dress/shirt thing vaguely reminiscent of a nurse's uniform over the padded bra and dark blue jeans. It was designed with shoulder pads (which Sasuke had torn out), so it was perfect for disguising the fact that his shoulders were a bit too broad for a seventeen year old girl.

His blue-black hair had been gelled up into what Kakashi had cheerfully termed "punk-rocker chick" spikes (Sasuke was fairly sure the damned old fool had no clue what he was talking about), bangs held out of his face on one side with a black metal star clip. All in all, he looked like a girl. A small-chested, narrow-hipped girl, but a girl nonetheless.

Which was sort of the point.

Unfortunately.

When Sasuke was seven years old, he had come home from school one day to find his older brother standing over the dead bodies of their parents. Itachi had left him alive, telling his brother that he wasn't worth killing. This proved to be a mistake, as Sasuke had done what had been drilled into every child from birth, and called the police. Further inspection had proved that the rest of the huge family was being slaughtered at an alarming rate, apparently at Itachi's hands. Sasuke had immediately been put in the Witness Protection Program, moved several cities away and given new identity in the guardianship of his aunt and uncle.

Itachi had proven disturbingly good at penetrating the system and tracking his little brother down, having done so fifteen times in the ten years since the massacre. Every time Sasuke was placed in a new Uchiha family, without fail, Itachi would find him and Sasuke was always the only survivor. Every time, Sasuke was suspected. Every time, forensic evidence and witness accounts proved it was his brother. Sasuke wasn't surprised. Itachi _wanted_ people to know he was the killer. The situation was getting desperate and stronger measures of protection were needed. Which was why Sasuke was currently masquerading as a girl in a crap-hole of a town in the middle of nowhere, under the guardianship of one highly irritating, class-A pervert FBI agent, Hatake Kakashi.

Fucking Itachi.

Sasuke growled, shoving his feet into black ballet flats and stomping down the hall, pissed beyond measure just _thinking_ about the situation he was in. This was all. Itachi's. Damn. Fault and when Sasuke finally got his hands on the bastard, he was going to add this onto the ever-growing list of things to get back at him for.

Kakashi looked up from his newspaper as Sasuke stormed into the kitchen, one visible eye crinkling with a smile that wasn't noticeable under the pulled up neck of the black turtleneck Sasuke swore was the only shirt the man owned. His left eye was covered with an eye patch. Kakashi claimed to have lost the eye in a knife fight with a mob boss who had become enraged beyond reason when the sliver-haired man had single-handedly busted his drug-dealing ring, but Sasuke trusted his guardian about as far as he could throw him.

"You look cute." Kakashi complimented the teen slamming cupboards and drawers as he stalked around the kitchen in high dudgeon, happy as a clam despite the vicious glare that drilled into his skull at the words. Kakashi liked the boy. He was fun to irritate, and he just made it so _easy!_

Sasuke took his anger out on his breakfast, sinking his small pearly teeth into his toast and viciously tearing off a piece. Surprisingly, murdering his food actually made him feel a tiny bit better. Kakashi ruffled Sasuke's hair, nearly getting his hand chomped in the process. The man just smiled, apparently unfazed. He had, however, jerked his hand back awfully quickly.

"Now now, Sasuke-_chan_, if you don't hurry up, you'll be late. Wouldn't want that on your first day." Sasuke considered kicking Kakashi in the shin for the degrading suffix, but reluctantly admitted he was right. Vowing to hide the man's _Icha Icha Paradise_ when he got home, he stalked to the door, snagging his keys and messenger bag from the hallway. Making sure to slam the door hard enough to rattle the windows on his way out, he headed out into the bright sunshine.

-------------

Sasuke stared in quiet horror at Konoha High School. Not only was it clearly an older building, while he was used to high-tech and high-rise, but it was fucking _tiny_! How did they fit over two thousand students in there? He –barely- repressed a despairing sigh. Life was such a bitch. He started across the sweeping, tree-dotted grounds to the front steps, passing groups of students talking or lounging around. He got a few curious looks, which he supposed was from being someone new, but was otherwise relatively ignored. Thank god for small favors. He didn't think he could handle any idiocy this early in the morning.

He climbed up the steps and pushed the heavy front doors open, reminding himself to walk like a girl. The hallway, lined with doors and lockers painted a dark green, suddenly stretched out in front of him for eternity. Sasuke took a slightly deeper then normal breath. He could do this. He had a fucking _psychopath_ for a brother; he wasn't going to be scared of one measly old hallway. Lucky for Sasuke, there was a sign right at the end of the hall, which he could now see branched off into two other halls, labeled OFFICE in big block letters with an arrow underneath. He sped up slightly, turning the corner...

...And slammed right into someone coming the opposite direction.

Sasuke let out an 'oomph' as his butt made contact with the tile floor in an abrupt and painful manner. His hands shot out, catching himself before his head met the same fate.

"Shit, I'm sorry!"

Sasuke slowly raised his gaze, over orange and black tennis shoes, up long legs clad in baggy denim, past slim hips, where the low waist of the jeans showed orange boxer, up past a dark blue shirt bearing the words 'Know Your Genetically Modified Produce' under a picture of a limonut stretched over broad shoulders and a well-muscled chest, finally resting on concerned blue eyes under a thatch of blonde hair.

Hooooooly fuck.

This almost justified being forced into a padded bra and dragged halfway across the country.

---------------------------------

Well, there you have it. Naruto's shirt was just a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing. –laughs— A limonut is a lime/coconut combo. I have a question for any readers. Would you prefer Kyuubi as a a) Separate person from Naruto, as in best friend or something, b) Relation of Naruto or c) Part of Naruto? I have some ideas for all three, but I figured I'd let you all decide. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go feed myself, because my stomach just snarled and startled Kyuubi. –pads off—

"Flamer" is another term for a flamboyantly gay person. Please review respectfully.


	2. Chapter 2

Waaaaaaii!!! –Squirming with glee from where he is sitting on Kyuubi—So many lovely reviews!!  
Kyuubi: Great. He's going to be giddy and girly for hours now. And why are you sitting on me?  
Because, in a wonderful display of grace and flexibility, I fell in the shower and now I have a huge bruise on my ass. You're much more comfortable then the chair. Lucky for me, I have all these lovely wonderful amazing reviews. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!  
Kyuubi: –mutters— Girly...  
–hits the fox— Shut up. Replies to anonymous reviews are at the bottom.

Still waiting for someone to guess the title...but points of win to Beautiful Nothings for the great try!

----------------------------------------

_Recap_

_Sasuke let out an 'oomph' as his butt made contact with the tile floor in an abrupt and painful manner. His hands shot out, catching himself before his head met the same fate._

"_Shit, I'm sorry!"_

_Sasuke slowly raised his gaze, over orange and black tennis shoes, up long legs clad in baggy denim, past slim hips, where the low waist of the jeans showed orange boxers, up past a dark blue shirt bearing the words 'Know Your Genetically Modified Produce' under a picture of a limonut stretched over broad shoulders and a well-muscled chest, finally resting on concerned blue eyes under a thatch of blonde hair._

_Hooooooly fuck._

_This almost justified being forced into a padded bra and dragged halfway across the country._

_End Recap_

It really almost did. Everything about this guy, from the gorgeous beach-boy tan to the golden blond hair pulled back into a low ponytail at the nape of his neck to the adorable whisker marks on each cheek (How did he get _those?_) practically screamed 'I am a sex god! Worship me, mere mortal!'.

Sasuke suddenly realized that one, he was staring; and two, there was a large hand in his personal space.

Bright blue eyes peered down at him. "Seriously, are you okay?" Sasuke ignored the hand, pushing himself to his feet and dusting off imaginary dust.

"I'm fine." He muttered, pitching his voice a few octaves higher then usual.

The blond smiled in relief. "Glad to hear it. Hey, are you new here? I don't think I've seen you befo—"

"Naruto Uzumaki!" A peeved female voice rang down the hallway, accompanied by angry footsteps and amused murmurs from the handful of other students scattered about.

Sasuke barely surpassed a snort. Spiral fishcake? What kind of a name was _that?_ The blond flinched, one hand reaching up to scratch the back of his head, a nervous grin spreading over his face. "S-Sakura! I was just coming to find you!"

The girl who stormed up to Naruto was pretty, Sasuke had to admit. Bubblegum-pink hair framed her face, highlighting her green eyes, the tips brushing a white tank-style corset over a pale pink shirt with a rather low neckline and off-the-shoulder sleeves. A magenta brocade skirt with white lace trim went down to mid-thigh, accenting her long legs. Her dainty feet were adorned with open-toed pink skimmers, showing toenails painted dark red.

She put her hands on her hips and glared at Naruto. "Where were you yesterday? You were _supposed_ to be helping me and Shikamaru plan the Spring Formal, and you _know_ I can't count on that lazy bum for anything!"

"I know, but Kyuubi had to go to the doctor's and he doesn't have a car, so I had to drive him!" Naruto whined.

"Don't give me your excuses! You are so irresponsible!"

Sasuke gave himself a mental slap. What was he doing just standing here? He turned his back the scolding girl and cowering blond, continuing on his interrupted journey to the office.

The man sitting at the desk, hair covered by a dew rag, looked up. He gave Sasuke a friendly grin, the toothpick in the corner of his mouth shifting with the expression. "New student, eh?" At Sasuke's nod, he jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the door behind his desk. "Just head on in."

Sasuke mumbled a 'thank you', pushing open the plain door, and entering the large office. The old man seated at the large desk in front of a bay of windows giving a sweeping view of the school grounds looked up, features slightly hazy behind the veil of smoke rising from his pipe.

"Ah, Miss Akatsuka." He indicated one of the armchairs sitting in front of the desk and Sasuke took a seat. He folded his hands in his lap, back ramrod straight, looking every inch an ice princess. The brunet glanced around the room, his eyes settling on the gold nameplate reading 'Principle Sarutobi'. _Like I couldn't have figured that out on my own?_

Sarutobi nodded to himself, looking over what Sasuke assumed was his school record. "Your grades are excellent, but the classes seem to be a bit piecemeal."

"I've had to move a lot...sir."

Sarutobi flipped through a couple papers in the open manila folder on his desk. "Yes, Ms. Tsunade did inform me of your...special circumstances."

Sasuke help back a scowl. Tsunade was the head of the CIA and the one responsible for dumping him in Konoha. Most of his ire was reserved for Kakashi's boss, though. It had been Jiraya's stupid idea to dress Sasuke up as a girl. Damn FBI perverts.

The old man nodded slightly, placing his hands on the desk. "I know how difficult it must be for you, having to move so often. This school is like one big family, and I hope you will come to think of yourself as one of us."

Sasuke resisted the urge to snort. _Yeah, sure buddy. You think that. _He settled for raising a sardonic eyebrow.

Sarutobi ignored the brunet's skepticism. He closed the folder and tucked it away, signaling the end of the little get together. "Well, you'd best be on your way if you want to make it to class on time. Genma will have you schedule for you." Sasuke nodded, getting to his feet and leaving.

The man at the desk, Genma, handed Sasuke a sheet of paper. "Welcome to Konoha High, kid." This time Sasuke did snort. What was _wrong_ with these people?

The Uchiha sighed, glancing down at his schedule. _First period...World History, Iruka Umino. Room 108_. He walked down the hall past a few stragglers, to the appropriate room. Pushing open the door, he walked in, scowling slightly at the level of noise.

It was a fairly typical classroom, some students sitting by themselves or in small groups. A loud shout of laughter went up from the center, where the largest group congregated, and Sasuke reflexively looked over. A group of about a dozen or so teens where all laughing their heads off at something, crowded around one particular student. Sasuke blinked, recognizing the blonde from earlier. The pink-haired girl was sitting on his lap, rolling her eyes and elbowing him in the side. _Is she his girlfriend?_ Sasuke smirked slightly. _Easy to tell who wears the pants in __that_ _relationship._

The man writing on the whiteboard looked up. He looked relatively friendly, with brown hair pulled up in a ponytail and warm eyes. Idly, Sasuke wondered how he got the scar across the bridge of his nose in a quiet little town like this. "Ah, you must be Saeko."

The class quieted when they heard that and someone yelled; "Who's the new girl, Mr. Umino?"

Iruka smiled. "This is Saeko Akatsuka. She's recently transferred here from Oto, so please do your best to make her feel at home, alright you guys?" Saeko/Sasuke reluctantly nodded hello.

"What's a city girl like you doing in a shitty town like this?" That was from a lanky brunet with strange red tattoos on his face and shaggy brown hair sitting with his feet propped up on his desk, tilting back dangerously far in his chair.

Iruka frowned. "Get your feet off the desk and sit up properly, Kiba." He snapped. "And watch your language." Kiba did as he was told amidst snickers, grinning good-naturedly. Iruka kept the Evil Eye on him for a few seconds longer. "Saeko, there's an empty desk for you in front of Sakura. Or, there would be if she was sitting in her desk."

The pink-haired girl smiled sheepishly, sliding into an empty seat near the window. "Sorry Mr. Umino."

The teacher nodded, looking at Sasuke. "Would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself?"

The Uchiha slid into the desk, folding his hands in front of his face. "Such as?"

Iruka looked a bit taken aback. "Well...just general things. Likes, dislikes, that sort of thing."

"You already know my name. There are plenty of things I hate, but it doesn't really matter, considering there's almost nothing I _do_ like." 'Saeko' eyed the class, noticing the looks he was getting from some of, well most of, the guys in the room. "And I'm not interested, so don't even think about it." He added.

A raucous laugh came from one seat over and two seats up. The culprit, a redhead punked out in baggy black pants with large chain link straps on each side and a thin and sheer black fishnet top is under a red and black striped tank top, leaned back and leered at Sasuke.

"Quite the little ice princess, ain't ya? You always this cold or does it take a good fuck to loosen you up?"

The look Sasuke gave him was loaded with enough disdain to douse a bushfire. A blonde girl with pale blue eyes sitting across from Sakura reached over and punched the redhead on the arm.

"Oi, Kyuubi, leave the poor girl alone. You _have_ a boyfriend."

Kyuubi pouted, rubbing his arm. "Lemme alone, you violent thing. My boyfriend flirts with my little _brother_, he wouldn't care."

Sakura smacked him on the head, adding her two cents. "That's not flirting, that's propositioning, you pervert."

Iruka tapped on the whiteboard. "Ino, Sakura, stop beating on Kyuubi. Kyuubi, stop harassing Saeko."

"Yes sir." The two girls chorused as Kyuubi crossed his arms and slumped in his seat, scowling. Naruto was laughing openly.

Kyuubi glared at him. "Shut up, Blondie."

Naruto snickered. "No way. You got me in trouble with Sakura. I have no sympathy for you." Iruka made an irritated noise, and the two shut up.

Sasuke let out a silent groan, dreading the prospect of being stuck with these idiots for the next however long before Itachi hunted him down this time. Screw education. He wanted to go home _now._

-------------------------------

And Kyuubi is out of the closet!! Gyahahahahaha!!! _My_ closet at any rate...Who on earth could his boyfriend possibly be? Only the Shadow knows! –sniggersnigger— Boy, he's a vulgar little brat ain't he?  
Kyuubi: -- You're not funny.  
I am too. You just don't appreciate my immature sense of humor. As for Sakura's outfit...I hope I didn't blind you all with the pink. I tried to keep her in character, and you have to admit, she does wear a lot of it. Sasuke's introduction? Taken out of Volume 1. Except for that last bit. How original am I? Keep up the wonderful reviewing, onegai?

**Anonymous Review Replies:  
Witty Remark:** Glad I amuse you. At last, I have some use!


	3. Chapter 3

–loud shriek from hallway—  
Kyuubi: –looks up—Just when I think you can't get any girlier, you screech like that...  
–full soda can that Shadow dropped on his foot comes flying through doorway and slams into Kyuubi's forehead—Just for that, you get the shaken-up one.  
Kyuubi: Fucking....OW.  
Oops...looks like I broke my "update every two days" streak...–looks guilty—I...uh...I've been watching Black Cat. Good stuff.

Last chapter's points of win for title-guessing go to FallenAnimosity. And an additional 200 points of win go to yamiNOkokoro26 for correctly guessing Kyuubi and Naruto's connection! As always, anonymous review replies are at the bottom.

--------------------------

History class was uneventful (Except for Naruto getting told off a grand total of five times for dozing off, but this seemed to be a normal occurrence), and Sasuke was beginning to think that maybe.....he could get used to this. The rest of the day passed in the usual whirl of annoyance and stress. Lunch was a relief, especially after the math class from hell. Ms. Mitarashi was _scary_. Who in their right mind addressed their students as 'maggots' anyway? Freak.

"Saeko!"

Sasuke bit back a mental groan. Sakura had decided that as an "apology for Kyuubi's dumbass comment, since he's too stubborn to do it himself", it was her duty to show the "new girl" around (Sasuke had the feeling that he'd be The New Girl for a good couple of months), even though he'd protested that he was perfectly capable of finding his own way.

Lesson Number One: It's impossible to argue with Sakura Haruno.

She smiled sweetly. "Do you want to eat lunch with me and my friends? I mean, food tastes better when you share it with people, right?"

"What anime did you steal that out of?" Sasuke grumbled, mood souring further when she giggled like he'd been _joking_ or something.

Sakura grabbed his wrist and pulled him off. Holy hell, that girl was strong! She dragged him down the steps and veered left, entering through a small cluster of trees into a clearing. Two picnic tables stood adjacent to each other, with enough space between them for several people to sit in a circle. And there were people doing just that. Sasuke recognized a handful of people from his other classes.

"Sakura! My springtime love!" A tall teen in green tracksuit scooped Sakura up and swung her around. "It is wonderful to see you again!"

"Lee..." Sakura rolled her eyes, but she planted a kiss on his cheek anyway. "You just saw me. And don't get into the whole Springtime of Youth again, okay? We don't want to scare Saeko off."

Lee set her down, eyes sparkling beneath his goofy bowl-haircut. "You brought The New Girl?" Fucking hell, "her" name wasn't _that_ hard to remember was it?

Sakura smiled brightly. "Yes. Everybody needs friends to eat with." _I beg to differ, Miss Sunshine._ Sasuke thought viciously. "Here, Saeko, I'll introduce you to everybody."

"You've already met my boyfriend, Lee," Lee started to say something, but Sakura overrode him. "And Kyuubi and Naruto Uzumaki." The two were currently bickering over, from what Sasuke could tell, ramen flavors. What the fuck? "They're twins, fraternal obviously." Sakura pointed to another redhead with aqua eyes heavily outlined with kohl, sitting on a red trenchcoat. Apparently, he was rather fond of black, as evidenced by black jeans, black E Nomine t-shirt, and black boots.

"That's Naruto's best friend, Gaara Sabure," Gaara looked up and narrowed his eyes at Sasuke, who glared right back, wondering why the smaller teen had no eyebrows and the kanji for love above his eye. "Gaara's sister Temari," Sakura gestured to a girl with the same teal eyes as Gaara, despite her blonde hair. She apparently shared his taste in color, wearing a black pencil skirt with silver zippers running down either side, and a black top with lace around the shoulders and neck. Like Sasuke, her shoes were simple black flats. "And brother Kankuro." Kankuro turned out to be a brunette wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, whose hair stuck up like he jammed his finger in a light socket.

Sakura moved on to a boy with a spiky brown ponytail sprawled on his back beside Temari. "Tema's boyfriend, Shikamaru Nara," Shikamaru opened one grey eye and studied Sasuke thoroughly. Said Uchiha blinked. Who combined sandals and black board shorts with a long-sleeved grey shirt and green cargo vest? Season confusion much? Sakura continued in full flow. "Gaara's boyfriend; Neji Hyuuga," Neji was an elegant looking young man in black slacks and a cream-colored sweater, with long brown hair tied back in a loose ponytail and strange, pearly white eyes.

"Neji's cousin Hinata," Sakura pointed to a girl in grey washed jeans and a plain blue t-shirt, with short fluffy blue-black hair and the same white eyes as Neji. She blushed and stuttered a hello. "Hinata's girlfriend and my best friend, Ino Yamanaka."

"Hey Saeko!" The blonde girl who had been beating on Kyuubi with Sakura greeted perkily. The pale lavender tube top covered with splashes of violet, indigo, lime, pink and white flowers set off her pale blue eyes and dusky gray capris. "Glad you could join us!"

"SAKURA!" Kyuubi hollered. "GET OVER HERE AND SETTLE THIS!" The pink-haired girl rolled her eyes as he pulled her off, and without missing a beat, Ino picked up where she left off.

"Resident bug lover, Shino Aburame," Sasuke could swear the guy was glaring at him behind the round sunglasses under the hood of a grey sweatshirt. "Shino's boyfriend, Kiba Inuzuka," The brunette with the red tattoos from history grinned and waved. "Shikamaru's best friend, Chouji Akimichi," Chouji, a rotund young man with spiky auburn hair, bit into another chip. "Neji's ex-girlfriend, Tenten Kyouki," Tenten called a hello, her dark blue Chinese shirt with feathers embroidered in silver thread and light blue jeans going with the two buns her dark hair was pulled into.

Sasuke grumbled a hello, resenting that he had to—shudder—_socialize_. He sighed, sitting on the end of the bench next to Tenten (since she looked the least annoying), he propped his elbows on his knees and glared over his hands at nothing in particular.

Ino nudged Kiba out of the way so she could flop down next to Hinata, throwing an arm around the other girl's shoulder. "So, Mr. Umino said you moved here from Oto." Sasuke grunted an affirmative. Ino looked shocked. "But...that's halfway across the country!"

"Don't remind me." He grumbled.

Hinata poked her index fingers together. "I...I hope...you won't be...l...lonely here."

Ino immediately wrapped the brunette girl in a hug. "Awww, you're so _sweet_ Hina!" Hinata flushed darkly as Kiba snickered. Ino punched him in the head without looking and returned to her interrogation of Sasuke. "So, do you have any siblings?"

_Only a psychopathic older brother who I am going to murder in various painful ways once I get my hands on him._ "No. It's just me and Kakashi."

Ino blinked. "Oh...so where do you live?"

"Serpent Avenue." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Dumb name for a street."

"Th...there used to be...a lot of poisonous s...snakes in that area." Hinata pointed out unnecessarily.

Kiba sat up. "Oh, hey, ya mean that blue house that's been empty forever?" Sasuke 'Hn'd." Kiba grinned. "Cool, you're right across the street from me."

"I don't think 'cool' is the right word."

The other brunette was unfazed by Sasuke's unfriendliness. "So, this Kakashi guy, he's got silver hair, right? A broom head?" Sasuke nodded. Kiba cocked his head to the side, looking like a curious puppy. "Why's he wear that mask? Is he horribly disfigured or something?"

"No. He's just insane." Sasuke said flatly.

"That's not a very nice thing to say about your father, Saeko." Sakura scolded.

One of Sasuke's eyebrows twitched. "He is _not_ my father."

"Boyfriend?" Kiba leered. "You like older men, huh?"

Sasuke looked at him like he was a three-eyed lobster doing the cancan in a grass skirt. "Don't be disgusting. He's just my guardian."

Hinata blinked. "Y...your guardian? A...are you...an orphan?" Ino frowned and started to say something else, but she was interrupted by an annoying shout.

"HA! Told you so, Kyuubi! Pork ramen is _too_ better!" Naruto was standing and pointing triumphantly at his twin, yelling his dumb blond head off.

Kyuubi apparently didn't appreciate the noise any better then Sasuke did, because he lunged at Naruto, attempting to catch him in a headlock. "Shut up, Blondie!"

"Ahh, he's trying to kill me!" Naruto hollered, though the mischievous sparkle in his eyes deleted any possible way to take him seriously. "Halp! Gaara, save me!" He ducked behind the redhead. Gaara calmly got up, and moved to the side, allowing Kyuubi a clear shot at the blond. "Argh, traitor!" Naruto shouted.

Kyuubi grinned, looking like a fox that just spotted a particularly juicy rabbit. "C'mere you!" He lunged at his twin, sending the taller boy scampering backwards, screeching about all the redheads he knew being in a conspiracy against him.

Naruto took two steps back, tripped over Shikamaru, and fell right into Sasuke. The blond grabbed the edge of the table, trying (and failing) to not invade Sasuke's personal space more then he already had. The Uchiha merely blinked dumbly at the sudden nearness of startled blue eyes. What a pretty color... augh! What the hell was he _thinking?_

"I'm not done with you yet!" Kyuubi yelled, easily vaulting over the prone Shikamaru, who had done nothing more the mutter a 'Troublesome.'

"Kyuubi! Knock it off! You're going to make Naruto fall on—" Sakura started to scold.

"UZUMAKI ELBOW DROP!"

Naruto let out a startled help as Kyuubi's elbow collided with the back of his head, but he was cut off as lips met lips. Sasuke's black eyes widened with shock as Naruto's mouth collided with his. What... the... FUCK?!?!

"-Saeko." Sakura finished lamely.

Lesson Number Two: Uzumaki's are idiots.

---------------------------------

Boy, this chapter sucks. Gaara's last name literally means "sand" and Tenten's, as far as I can tell, means "dangerous weapon".

"Food tastes better when..." Oh come on. How could I resist?

Odd Facts:  
--Saeko's voice in my head sounds like Romi Paku.  
--The translation dictionary dot com gives for "Naruto Uzumaki" is 'When it becomes whirling".  
--The translation it gives for "Sasuke Uchiha" is "Can be less crowded inside".  
--I've got Temari, Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Girl!Naruto, and Saeko all doing Cellblock Tango in my head. It is très très amusante.

**Anonymous Review Replies:  
thrh: **Bah, too many uke!Naruto fics out there. They _are_ pretty odd, aren't they? That's what makes them awesome!  
**narobi:** Thank you for your input!


	4. Chapter 4

Ooowww –looks idiotically pathetic— I thought Neosporin wasn't supposed to sting!  
Kyuubi: –attempting to apply band-aid— Hold _still!_  
–whinesquirm—But it huuurts!  
Kyuubi: Well then maybe you should watch what you're _doing_, you accident-prone maniac. Now go write the next chapter.  
Yes master –limps off— Here, two updates in one day. That gets me back on schedule.

Naruto POV this chapter. And some kissing stuff. I couldn't convince Kyuubi to keep his tongue to himself.

**EDIT: **Fixed now that we actually know Naruto's parent's names. Nice how his mother actually _does_ have red hair.

--

Naruto scowled, leaning against his Kawasaki Ninja ZX 12 R motorcycle. The sleek machine gleamed, orange swirl on the side bright against the black body. The metal was hot under the brilliant afternoon sun, warming his butt and thighs. Sakura had cornered him after school and dragged him off to a small, stuffy classroom where he got to listen to her drone on about something he really had no say in anyway. Who cared about the dumb old Spring Formal anyway?

Needless to say, Shikamaru wasn't the only one who dozed off.

The blond sighed, tipping his head back to squint at the cottony clouds scuttling across the sky. Alright, so the meeting had gone on a bit longer then expected (it probably would have been shorter if Sakura hadn't yelled at him and Shika for falling asleep). That didn't mean _Kyuubi_ had to be late! Naruto sighed in annoyance, before jerking his orange Razr out of his pocket and punching in his twin's number. He tapped his foot, on arm wrapped loosely around his waist as he listened to the ringing. "Come on, pick up, ya dumb bastard."

There was a 'click', then Kyuubi's voice drifted over the line. "What?"

"Where the hell are you?!" Naruto demanded.

"Huh?" Kyuubi sounded confused. "What do you mean? I'm at home."

"What the hell..." Naruto spluttered. "I've been standing out here and you've been HOME?!"

"Well, you were taking so long; I got a ride from Sai."

"And you couldn't just _call_ me and tell me that!? I've been waiting for twenty minutes!" Naruto flailed the arm that wasn't holding his phone wildly.

"...Didn't think of that."

"You are so...just...ARRRRGH!" Naruto yelled, slamming the phone shut and cursing violently. He jammed it back in his pocket and pulled his bike helmet out, the orange spiral on the side matching the one on his bike. The engine roared to life as Naruto swung his leg over and thumbed the ignition. He swerved out his parking space, only to get caught in the last minute traffic jam of students that stayed after school and teachers leaving early.

He grumbled to himself, leaning on his handlebars. He wanted to go home noooow! He sighed, idly watching the girl pacing back and forth on the sidewalk at the edge of the parking lot. Oooh, she was pretty. Cute butt, nice legs...

Hey, wait. That was the new girl...Saeko. What the hell was he doing, checking her out?

Okay, sure, she was hot. Black hair that just _had_ to be as soft as it seemed, pretty little mouth that looked oh-so kissable, small but cute chest, _damn_ fine ass...but she was still...!

...Uh...okay. He was really just trying to avoid thinking about The Incident at lunch. Stupid Kyuubi.

Unaware that she was being watched, Saeko sighed in annoyance, shifting her weight to one foot, slouching back and stuffing her hands in her pockets, looking supremely irritated. Naruto thought for a couple seconds, then shrugged mentally, pulling over beside her and flipping open his visor. She gave him a 'Drop Dead' look, then blinked and turned faintly pink when she recognized who it was.

"Are you waiting for somebody?" Naruto asked idly, crossing his arms over the handlebars.

She scowled. "Yeah...but I don't expect him to show up for another half hour or so." Her voice was resignedly annoyed. "He wouldn't know the meaning of _on time_ if it stole his _Icha Icha_ books right out from under his stupid pervert nose." Naruto blinked. _Someone actually reads that crap?_ He grinned, making a mental note to tell Jiraya next time he saw him.

"Um...I can give you a ride...if you want." Naruto scratched the back of his neck, face automatically crinkling in a sheepish grin. "I was waiting for my brother, but the jerk went on ahead without telling me." He tossed her the spare helmet. Actually, it was Kyuubi's, but they were pretty much the same height so Naruto figured it should fit fine.

She caught it easily, looking from him to the bike purring on the road, to the helmet in her hands, to the blonde regarding her innocently from underneath the bulky plastic orb. "Tch. Dumbass." She muttered. Naruto narrowed his eyes at her, but it was too late to comment as she slid the helmet over her head and settled herself securely behind him.

Naruto slid the bike slowly back into the lane, so he wasn't blocking traffic anymore. He grinned evilly when he realized the prat leaning on their horn in the dinky white car behind him was his least favorite staff member, the stuffy old guidance counselor Ebisu. Cheerfully flipping the old geezer off, he gunned the engine and roared down the street. Saeko tightened her arms around him as he skidded around the corner. She was probably going to chew him out for it like Sakura did, but what was the point of riding if you couldn't go fast?

At the next intersection, she tapped his shoulder and pointed to the left hand street. He turned the bike smoothly and they continued up the avenue until she made him stop at a small, two-story blue and white house. The yard looked neglected, but there were curtains at the windows, and the door and trim had been freshly painted. She slid gracefully off the bike, pulling the helmet off and offered it back to him.

"Can you put it away for me?" Naruto asked. "I can't really reach from here."

Saeko sighed, looking very put upon. "Under the seat, right?" He nodded and she slid her fingers under it until she found the catch. Flipping it up, she nudged his backpack to the side and settled the helmet in. She pulled the seat down again, then frowned when she discovered it needed a little more strength to latch. She put a little more 'oomph' into it, and it clicked shut.

Naruto snickered when he got a good look at her. "You've got helmet hair. It's all flat." He snickered some more. "You look funny."

She glared at him, twisting mental daggers into his forehead. "Just for that, I'm not saying thank you." She turned on her heel and stomped up the driveway, jamming her house key into the lock. It unlocked with a loud _clack_, and she jerked the front door open.

He grinned, unfazed. "You're welcome!" He called after her. The only answer was the door slamming behind her.

Fifteen minutes later, Naruto was tossing his backpack on the queen-sized bed shoved into one corner of the room and crossing his cluttered floor to the large tank sitting under the window. "Hey Gamakichi." Smiling, he lifted the large orange toad out of the terrarium and set him on his head. Gamakichi had been a sixteenth-birthday present from his uncle Jiraya, who owned the toad's father Gamabunta. Naruto grinned wider at the thought of the old pervert.

Jiraya was his great-uncle on his father's side. Crazy old bastard would be thrilled to know someone was actually reading the pornographic crap he dared call 'literature.'

He clattered down the stairs, nearly running headfirst into Kyuubi at the bottom. The redhead rolled his eyes. "Why are you walking around with that frog on your head?"

Naruto scowled. "He's a _toad_, and he's on my head because I don't want him in his tank all day, and he likes it up there!" Promptly ignoring his brother, who was making faces at him behind his back, Naruto beamed. "C'mon buddy! Let's go find you something to eat." Gamakichi croaked in happy agreement. The blond pelted off to the kitchen.

He skidded to a stop when he noticed his father standing in front of the open refrigerator. "Dad! You're home early!" The tall blonde straightened, a bottle of milk in his hand, and faced at his son.

"Hey kid." Minato Namikaze went to ruffle Naruto's hair, noticed Gamakichi, and settled for patting him on the shoulder. "Anything interesting happen today?" He smiled at the younger twin as the redhead slouched into the kitchen.

"There's a new girl in school." Kyuubi cackled. "And Naruto kissed her."

Naruto turned bright red. "I didn't do it on PURPOSE, you asshole! You pulled that stupid Dragonball crap on me!"

His twin stuck his nose in the air. "Sure, diss the Uzumaki Elbow Drop _after_ you've fallen prey to it."

Minato sighed as his twins continued to bicker. _I wonder if you could handle them any better then I do, Kushina... _He smiled sadly at the thought of his wife, glancing at the family portrait hanging on the wall in the living room, clearly visible through the open arch of the kitchen doorway. Kushina was a beautiful woman, but it had been her kind heart that Minato had been drawn too. Of course, she had a one nasty temper when provoked. Minato almost laughed. What else could be expected of the great Tsunade Reichou's daughter? And she really did live on in their children. While Naruto looked like a miniature version of his father, Kyuubi much more closely resembled her physically. They had the same red hair and slighter build. Naruto had her sweet disposition and brilliant smile though.

Minato absently moved to the side as Naruto shot by him and zoomed around the dining room table before looping though the living room and back into the kitchen, Kyuubi in hot pursuit. He shook his head, unable to find the heart to tell them to settle down. After the complications during their birth that had taken Kushina's life, he was lucky that they were so healthy. _Love...If you could see our boys now...what would you do?_

"AUGH! Kyuubi! You _bit_ me!" Naruto waved one hand frantically, almost knocking over the cutting board.

Kyuubi scowled, rubbing his shoulder. "You punched me!"

"Cause you were being an idiot!" Naruto stuck his tongue out. Kyuubi dived for him again. Naruto dodged to the left, falling flat on his ass. His brother took the opportunity to pounce on him, grabbing the blond in the special 'Kyuubi Headlock of No Escape.'

Minato could feel a vein popping in his forehead. _Probably smack them around for being morons._ He sighed, moving forward and separating the two. "Well, anyway, who is this girl?

Naruto blinked. "Uh...Her name's Saeko Akatsuka. She just transferred here from Oto."

"Did Dickless finally get himself a girlfriend?" An interested voice piped up from the couch behind them. The Asiatic looking teen watching with his chin resting on his arms folded across the back of the couch smiled, looking politely interested, as if he had just asked Naruto how the weather was.

"I DO _TOO _HAVE A DICK, SAI, AND IT'S _NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUISNESS!!" _Naruto howled at the top of his lungs.

Sai Tomonari, age eighteen and five months, student at Konoha Art Academy. Specializes in traditional Japanese ink painting. Has been dating Kyuubi Uzumaki for two years. No perception of the concept of 'tact'. Nowhere near acceptable in polite society. Course, Kyuubi usually wasn't either. He had inherited his mother's short temper as well.

Naruto grabbed a Ziploc of dead flies off the counter and stomped upstairs in a huff, Gamakichi still on his head. Minato tossed the empty milk bottle in the recycling and vanished into the bathroom. Seconds later, the sounds of the shower running trickled into the living room.

Kyuubi placed his hands on the back of the couch and vaulted over, landing on Sai's legs. Sai grunted. "Hey, watch where you're landing." Kyuubi smirked, crawling up his way up his boyfriend's body and propped himself up on his elbows, planting them on the arm of the couch on either side of Sai's head.

Sai raised one eyebrow. "You realize that when you smirk like that, you're just begging to get molested?"

"You better." Kyuubi grumbled. "You didn't come see me at lunch, so I've been deprived all day, you ass."

Sai smirked in return, pulling the redhead down and planting a smoldering kiss on his lips. Kyuubi almost instantly melted against the older boy, purring as he opened his mouth for Sai's persistent tongue. He twisted his hands in the short black hair and tugged Sai's head back, forcing the kiss to become deeper. That gave him a slight advantage, but he lost ground when Sai slid a hand up over his chest under his shirt.

"Mmph. No fair...cheater."

The blond padding downstairs with the empty Ziploc and a strip of flypaper paused, and rolled his eyes at them. "Geeze...do you have to do it right _there?"_

"Naruto!" Minato called from the hall. "Where are your brother and Sai?"

Naruto wrinkled his nose. "They're making out on the couch again."

"Well, when they come up for air, tell them that there's money for pizza on the counter."

The blond blinked, sticking his head into his father's room. "You came home early, and now you're leaving. What's up?"

Minato just smiled, pulling his jacket on and grabbing his car keys. "Just meeting with an old student of mine." He gave his son a one-armed hug. "Be good and don't let those two actually go too far with the curtains open. I get enough complaints about them as it is." He ruffled Naruto's hair and went down the hall and through the front room, calling a good bye to Kyuubi. Rather predictably, he was ignored.

Naruto entered the living room again just in time to see Sai slide a hand down the back of Kyuubi's pants to grope the redhead's ass. Naruto grabbed a squirt bottle off the fireplace mantle, taking careful aim and spraying his brother in the face. Kyuubi yelped and glared at him. Naruto smirked. "Hey, if you're going below the waist, take it upstairs. We have to use that couch afterwards."

Kyuubi gave him a baleful look from underneath damp bangs. "You just totally ruined the mood, you moron."

Naruto sniggered. "Ain't that a crying shame?"

--

Tell me you don't like pushy!Uke!Kyuubi and I will call you a son of a silly person. Defy the stereotype! XD He is such a brat! Augh, Sai is OOC! –Stabbed-

Random Facts:  
--Sai's last name means "developing friendship" and Tsunade's means "Leader with Miraculous Powers". Ohoho, fear my mighty naming powers!  
--Naruto's bike can be found HERE: http : / www . sportbikez . net / picture / 973  
--Obviously a taste for socially-retarded pale Asian guys with black hair and major issues seems to run in that family. Wait... Minato/Orochimaru?! Oh, I am SO not going down that path! Get out of my head! Augh! Brain cleansing, brain cleansing!


	5. Chapter 5

Uh, hi. Anybody remember me? ___;;; -slinks off quietly-

Also, what the hell is up with the new layout, I am SO confused.

Congrats and a billion+ points of win to **the red sands Uchiha** (wait, you changed your name)** The Cheshire Cat **for guessing the title correctly! Also, Miss War-chan gets much love for drawing fanart even though I can't see it.

-------------------

Sasuke slammed the door shut and violently kicked his shoes off down the hall, one hitting the wall with a dispirited 'thud'. He paused to glare at the mirror hanging crookedly above the side table. Damnit, the moron was right. His hair _did_ look funny, mooshed down as it had been by the helmet. Sasuke ran his fingers through his hair, trying to fix it before Kakashi could find some sort of snarky comment to make.

Stupid Kakashi.

Speaking of Kakashi.....where the hell _was_ the pervert anyway? He stalked down the hall with all the offended dignity of an insulted tomcat whose meal had failed to show up on time. The still air in the kitchen almost seemed to cower away from the force of the glare the dark haired gir...err, _boy_, was sending around the room. A blindingly yellow scrap of paper on the fridge caught his attention (how could it _not?_).

_**Saeko-chan **_(Was it _really_ necessary to put a damn _heart_ after 'her' name?!)

_**I have a meeting with an old colleague this afternoon, and I'll be back late, so there's leftover take-out in the fridge, or money for something else....somewhere. I know I left it out... Oh well. Be a good girl and make sure to get your homework done!**_

—_**Kakashi **_

_Oh god no._ Sasuke crumbled the note in his fist in a moment of rage, then sighed and tossed it. At least the idiot had bothered to leave a note this time, even if it _was_ just to unnecessarily annoy his charge. More often then not he just came and went as he pleased, like a stray cat. Annoying old fart. Too bad "meeting" really meant "gossip about all of Sasuke's problems and snigger behind his back then poke fun at him with annoyingly vague hints that I know something about this whole mess that he doesn't" in Kakashi-speak.

Sasuke was _not_ paranoid.

Deciding to forgo a snack in favor of sulking, he stomped upstairs and flung his bag into a corner of the pitifully bare room. Most of his things were still in boxes stacked in the corner. He had yet to actually get his hands on some decent shelving or furniture. Kakashi kept promising that they'd go shopping this weekend, but Sasuke figured he'd probably just end up stealing Kakashi's wallet and going by himself.

Sneering elegantly at the level of responsibility displayed by his so-called "guardian", Sasuke jerked his shirt off and tore off the torture device the less-then-geniuses in charge of his case had forced him into, chucking it behind a box. Flopping face down on his bed, he groaned as the headache he'd been repressing all day slammed into him full force.

Things were just so _weird_ here. Nothing like Oto or Suna or Nami. People were all so open and friendly, the crime rate was almost non-existent, and strangers were welcomed with practically open arms. It was something Sasuke was having trouble getting his mind around. The big cities he'd lived in before had all been hard and cold, a cloud of suspicious wariness and bone-deep exhaustion hanging over them like smog.

Not that he minded that. Hell, he was a gleeful contributor. It was just... hard to make the huge mental shift required to cope with the freaks around here.

He rolled over and stared at the ceiling, thighs still tingling faintly from the vibrations of the motorcycle. And some were bigger freaks then most. How the hell could you act like nothing was wrong after something weird like that damn _kiss_ happened? Putting it firmly out of his mind as silly and irrelevant, Sasuke rolled out of bed to hit the floor with a satisfyingly solid _'__**THUD' **_before stalking off to retrieve his bag. Might as well get a head start on that physics homework.

_---With Kakashi---_

Kakashi hummed Stray Cat Strut cheerfully under his breath as he entered the Denny's, scanning the interior. "I'm meeting somebody." He told the waitress who came to seat him, spotting his teacher tucked back in a little corner booth. He waltzed over to the older man and slid into the bench opposite, slapping a thick manilla file on the plastic tabletop with a lazy flip. "Aloha, Sensei."

Minato snickered into his coffee. Kakashi's rather... varied experience often lead to the man picking up bits and pieces of different languages, and he seemed to find amusement in combining them in rather, er, _interesting_ ways.

And he was half an hour late, as usual.

"Let me guess, you got lost on the road of life?" The blond raised an eyebrow, blue eyes narrowing intimidatingly. Oh, for the days when Kakashi was still a rookie and it actually worked.

As it was, Kakashi just smiled blithely. "Actually, I found a stranded dolphin and I simply had to help him swim home."

Minato snorted, looking back down at the menu. "That's better then your usual excuses."

"I've been practicing." Kakashi nudged the folder across to his former teacher, reading the upside down menu. "Hmm, the Lumberjack Slam looks good... I've been craving sausage."

Minato looked over the file and winced. "Akatsu_ka?_ Is she _trying_ to get caught?"

Kakashi shrugged helplessly, giving his order to the waitress. "I can never tell with her. By the time I noticed, it was already official." His one visible eye sparkled gleefully. "She's _sneaky_."

Minato groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "If you say so, Kakashi but I don't envy you the headache this case is sure to give you."

Kakashi just smiled mysteriously. They gave their orders to the waitress and Kakashi leaned back in his seat. "So, how're the boys doing?"

Minato's eyes lit up fondly, and he launched into an eager narrative about his twins. Kakashi listened with half an ear. His sensei hadn't changed much. That made him glad. He hadn't seen the man and worried it what little spare time he'd

".....And apparently they've met Saeko too. And, in true Uzumaki fashion, managed to completely traumatize the poor girl within three hours of meeting her."

What was _this?_ Kakashi perked right up. "O~oh, really?'

His teacher snorted, moving back to let the waitress set the loaded plates on the table. "Apparently Kyuubi and Naruto had one of their usual arguments, Naruto fell victim to Kyuubi's Uzumaki Elbow Drop of Justice or whatever he calls it, and the whole thing resulted in something a little less platonic then a handshake." Minato rolled his eyes.

Kakashi chortled as he dug into his sausage. Now he couldn't _wait_ to get home.

_---------------------------------------_

Short as hell, yes. Filler, definitely. But hey, it's an update.

Itachi is drunk in my head singing Perfect Isn't Easy. Make him stop. And did you know "Duck-butt" is an actual hairstyle? Well, according to wikipedia it is...

**Anonymous Review Responses:  
SuffocateSound:** I was fairly certain he was. I wrote that without having actually read any chapters with him in it (Brilliant planning on my part, yes?).


	6. Chapter 6

YUM demon for breakfast –chews on Tail #7—  
Kyuubi: One, it's too damn late for breakfast, two, STOP TRYING TO EAT ME.  
–spits tail out— Tastes like dirt. You need a bath, Kyuu.  
---_An hour passes_---  
–comes in soaking wet and dripping on the carpet—salutes to the readers—One demon, bathed and fluffed.  
Kyuubi: –follows, looking miffed and very fluffy— Did you HAVE to use the strawberry scented stuff?  
Yes.

Points of Win for**Vio6136** for also guessing the title correctly! Also, 100+ reviews, my god, you people are completely insane and I love you all very much.

* * *

Sasuke looked up as he heard the front door open and shut, followed by Kakashi's cheerful whistling. Hopefully the fact that he was supposedly doing his homework like a good little student would persuade his so-called "guardian" that he did not want to be bothered. In reality, he was playing endless games of solitaire, but Kakashi didn't need to know that. He wanted Kakashi to leave him alone anyway, so the end result was the same.

Kakashi knew something.

Sasuke was sure of it. Kakashi wouldn't be whistling La Vida Loca, wouldn't be tut-tutting over the state of disarray the living room was in when Sasuke threw the couch pillows everywhere in a fit of pique after hearing the original Uchiha Massacre come up in a Cold Case special, and CERTAINLY wouldn't be tapping on his door going "Is there anything you want to talk about?" if he didn't.

No more midday dramas for that man. Sasuke was finding away to block his cable.

"Yeah, what's the square root integer of eighty-three?"

Kakashi paused halfway in the door. "....Is that even a real math problem?"

"You tell me. Go away." Sasuke glared at Kakashi from where he was perched on his bed with books and papers and laptop all sprawled out around him because his desk had yet to be assembled. Better then letting Kakashi put it together, though. He was a trip to the ER waiting to happen when it came to power tools. God help him when the man decided to put up shelving.

Kakashi sauntered in and shoved a few boxes off Sasuke's desk chair anyway, ignoring the fact that the glare being leveled at him from across the room would have made a lesser man burst into flames. "Sooo, Sasuke, how was your first day of school?"

"None of your business." Sasuke was trying his hardest to project an aura of imminent death, but Kakashi was nothing if not persistent.

"Minato said you met his boys today."

"Boys?"

"Naruto and Kyuubi." Kakashi couldn't stop the evil grin from spreading across his face when Sasuke twitched.

"_Freaks._" Sasuke said it with an air of finality, then swore when Kakashi bounced a rolled up pair of socks off his head. "What the FUCK."

"This isn't word association, Sasuke. Spill it."

"Good_bye._"

"Now now, Sasuke, didn't I just say this isn't word association?" Clearly Kakashi wasn't going to let this go. Well that was just too bad. If he was asking, he already knew and just wanted to embarrass his charge by making Sasuke acknowledge what had happened.

Sasuke sighed. "We met, we talked, I didn't kill anybody or cause any permanent damage. Kyuubi's an asshole, Naruto's an idiot, no, I won't be spending any more time with them if I can help it, and no, I'm not anti-social and my lack of desire for socialization does not come from trauma in my childhood but from the fact that people are complete idiots." He recited and scowled heavily at his guardian in an attempt to dissuade him from further conversation.

Kakashi looked a little disappointed that Sasuke had managed to cover all points of interrogation. "Well, whatever the reasons, you _are _antisocial, and you _do_ need to socialize more. Shizune said it would be good for you, remember?"

Sasuke made a non-committal noise, personally doubting the statement of anybody who worked for Tsunade for many years. Nobody could do that and be completely sane, and who took the advice of an insane person? Oh wait. Him. He was the one stuck pretending to be a girl after all.

Score one for the crazies.

The look on Kakashi's face went from slightly miffed to slightly sly. Sasuke knew that look. It never boded well for him. "You should give them a chance." He paused significantly. "I'm sure you and Naruto could be _very_ good…_friends._ Especially if you're on kissing terms already."

Gah, he _knew_ Kakashi knew about that!

"We did not kiss! It was a stupid accident!"

Kakashi was having a hard time not giggling hysterically at Sasuke's red-faced indignation. Bothering the boy was so much fun. It almost made up for getting brushed off by that cute brunette earlier that day.

So Kakashi had sadistic tendencies. So what? It wasn't exactly a secret. He stood to leave, sensing that the conversation had reached its limit. "Do you need help with your homework?"

"Do you need me to stab you in the face?" Apparently Sasuke had been pushed as far as he wanted to go today and his tentative grip on manners had slipped entirely.

"Touchy, touchy." Kakashi murmured as he sauntered happily down the hall (if he wasn't a grown man, he would have been skipping). It was almost time for his shows. Today was a _good_ day.

Sasuke spent several minutes brooding (read, sulking) about the conversation before he finally gave his homework up for lost and decided he needed a smoke. He stood and pulled his shirt back on before shoving his feet into a pair of tennis shoes since the flats he'd worn earlier were still abandoned in the entryway downstairs.

"If you're going out, don't forget to cover up, _Saeko-chan." _Kakashi called from the living room as Sasuke started down the stairs. What sounded disturbingly like Sex and the City was playing on the TV and Sasuke shuddered. Glancing down at "her" currently flat chest, he stomped back upstairs. For a long time he stared at the horrid gender-changing device of torment, wondering if it was really worth it. No man should ever have to know this much about bra hooks.

His nicotine craving informed him that yes, it really was worth it, and since he didn't want to smoke in the house, windows open or not, he forced himself to put the thing on. It wasn't all that cold out, but he grabbed a sweatshirt anyway, less to keep warm and more to try to hide the disturbing fullness of his chest. He would never ever get used to it.

He made sure to slam the door violently on the way out and sulked down the street. He wandered for a few minutes until he found a small, empty playground behind the elementary school. It was off the street enough that he was fairly sure he wouldn't be bothered, which was good enough for him.

Sasuke pulled a pack of Mild Sevens out of his back pocket and sat on an abandoned swing to light it. He was well aware that smoking was a bad habit, but he'd picked it up from a friend in Oto and hadn't managed to find a reason to quit yet. He pushed himself slightly with one foot and exhaled smoke, trying not to think of anything.

"Saeko?"

So much for not being bothered.

Sasuke sighed and glared up at Naruto. "The hell do you want?"

"Geeze, touchy much?" The blond squinched his face up in annoyance (It would have been cute, if Sasuke cared about that. Which he certainly didn't) and dropped into the swing next to "her". "I just wasn't sure it was you. I thought you were a boy for a minute."

Sasuke wasn't entirely sure how to take that. He didn't _enjoy_ being a girl, but apparently it was necessary. He settled for glaring some more through cigarette smoke, which made Naruto wrinkle his face up again. "Your face is going to stick like that, moron."

Naruto just stuck his tongue out at "her". "That shit is totally bad for you, you know." He started to swing more vigorously then Sasuke's half-hearted pushes. "Plus it stinks and kids use this place."

"I know. I don't care." Sasuke dropped the cigarette butt and scrunched it out with one toe. "And there's three beer bottles in the sandbox, I don't think anybody else does either."

Naruto was quiet for a few seconds while he slowly swung to a stop and stared at his toes. "Um….about that thing at lunch…"

"Forget it." Sasuke contemplated another smoke, decided it wouldn't kill him yet, and lit up again.

Naruto looked up from his intensive study of his feet. "But if you're mad about it—"

"No, I mean it. Forget that it ever happened."

The blond looked at Sasuke sideways for a minute, then grinned. "Okay."

Sasuke looked away, feeling a little uncomfortable. The sun had mostly set by now, but there were a few wisps of dark pink clouds on the horizon. "What are you doing out here?" He finally muttered, trying to change the subject.

Naruto shrugged. "I felt like it. Kyuubi's got control of the TV anyway, and all he watches is Seinfeld." That surprised a laugh out of Sasuke, which made Naruto grin again. "I know, right, it totally doesn't fit him."

Sasuke smirked slightly as he stubbed out his second cigarette. Then, noticing the hard look Naruto gave him, grudgingly picked up the butts and went to throw them away like a good boy. Girl. Whatever the hell he was now.

Once up, he realized that it had gotten colder, and it was completely dark now. He shivered and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I'm going back." He announced

"Kay! See you in school tomorrow!" Naruto yelled from where he was picking the beer bottles out of the sandbox.

Sasuke looked at him funny for a minute then sighed and turned around to head back to brave the menace that was Kakashi again. "Yeah. See you tomorrow."

* * *

Maaaa, another shortish chapter… when will the plot kick in? I will be the last to know. Mostly just Kakashi picking on Sasuke (Cause it's fun.) but you get some nice flufflike substance at the end there, I think? Or maybe it's just some dryer lint that worked its way on here. I don't know. What the hell am I doing with this? Mr. Weassseeeeeeelll, get in here and wreak some havoc, we need it.  
Kyuubi: ….You seriously call Itachi Mr. Weasel?  
He won't let me call him Weaselykins, so he has to live with that.  
Kyuubi: Why don't you try calling him by his NAME?  
Where's the fun in THAT? Anyway, yes, I know smoking is bad. I promise I'll make Sasuke quit. Or rather, Naruto will. No smoker-kisses for you, boy!

**Also**, as it's something people have been worried about: **I have no plans to abandon this story**. My muse is a flighty little thing, so updates will take a while, and I'm sorry. But I promise, I am not planning to abandon this story and if I ever do decide to, I will let you all know. Pinky swear.


End file.
